The Trouble With Thinking
“Many Thanks” Andy said in a booming voice “This is a princely gift indeed”
The lady smiled at him as she said “If you leave before it runs out make sure you pass it on”
He touched the ticket to his forehead and boomed again “Rest assured my pretty, your generous gift shall be passed on to a truely worthy recipient”
From the back of the car a quieter and slightly exasperated voice said “If you need a translation just ask someone from the 14th century”
The ladies smile weakened as she briskly walked away from the car.
“I think she wanted you Andy” said a male voice.
“Fuck you, and fuck your mother” Andy replied in a pompous tone. “But not in that order”
There was laughter followed by confusion “You want to fuck me second?”
Andy paused to consider the question “Yes that is exactly what I mean” He turned to face the man in the back seat. “My fondest desire is to chuck my manhood up your mother’s wrinkly hole, thereby getting my quick spurt out the way” He looked John up and down suggestively “Thus, my ardour spent in your ageing relative I can devote more quality arse fucking time to you,”
John reacted by making a retching sound causing Andy to add “You’ll be gagging on my shiny helmet soon enough bitch!”
Claire who was sat beside him in the front said “I wouldn’t worry John” She paused and swivelled to face Andy “I can vouch for the fact that he’d have difficulty making a kitten gag with his prick” She smiled sweetly at him as she turned back to face the front.
Andy’s eyes widened in outrage “Do you see the sort of woman I’m married to John?” He glanced into the rear view mirror “She dares to mock my magnificent meaty member”
“Nice alliteration” Claire said nodding her head in appreciation.
“Thank you dear” Andy responded.
“You forgot microscopic” she added demurely
“Thank you dear” he replied wearily
“And maggot like” John added happily
“Miserable” she continued
“Urrgh” John said seeking inspiration
“Manky” Claire said clearly enjoying herself “Mingy and Malodorous” She finished with evident satisfaction.
“Are you children quite done?” Andy’s voice had taken on a parental tone.
John held up his phone for inspection “I’m just texting Sammy to see if he knows any” He said with some excitement. “Isn’t modern technology brilliant?”
Andy glared at the phone “No, it’s shit” he turned his head away like a sulky child and stared out of the window
The phone beeped behind him
“Any good” Claire enquired
“I’m not sure” John said sounding confused “He’s sent the word Frowzy”
“Not an M word” Andy whispered before asking “What does it mean?”
“Buggered if I know” John replied “I’ll ask him”.
He leaned over to the far side of the car and opened the door
“Sammy” He shouted at a man walking towards the car “What does Frowzy mean?”
Before Sammy could answer “Andy called “Is it one of your funny darkie words?”
Sammy slid into the car and smiled a broad toothy smile “No Bwana” He said in a strong African accent before continuing in his normal voice “It’s a word I read on line the other day and I considered it Le Mot Juste when making comparisons with your phallus”.
“What does it mean?” Claire asked.
He thought for a second before saying “Unkempt, wrinkled and dirty”
There was a chorus of “Well dones” and “Good ones” Before Andy sulkily repeated “Not an M”
The car went quiet.
“Did you get your money?” Andy asked Sammy.
“Did I fuck” he replied “Bloody cash machines knackered, we’ll have to go to Asda”
Andy nodded and turned the key to start the car.
“Wait” Claire shouted “The Ticket!”
“Piss on the ticket” Andy responded as he put the car into gear.
“You promised that lady” Claire insisted “I thought your word was your bond”
John turned to Sammy and said “This very nice lady who fancied Andy gave him an all-day ticket and made him promise to pass it on”
Sammy looked thoughtful as he fixed his friends eyes in the mirror. “Did you shout at her like a retarded Hamlet? The eyes narrowed in response “No” silence “Well A bit” More silence “Alright a lot” The eyes closed.
“What were your exact words?”
Andy instantly sucked his lips in tight and turned his head away.
“Sammy turned to Claire “What did he say Claire?”
She looked sympathetically at her husband before saying “Sorry Dear but I have to be truthful” Her head dropped and her eyes closed. “He said” Her eyes opened and her head rose “I swear my lady” Her voice mimicking his “Your generous gift will only be given to a deserving recipient or something like that”
“Yep, spot bollock” John chipped in from the back.
Andy looked at Claire imploringly “I didn’t say deserving” He turned to a serious faced Sammy “I didn’t Sammy, I said worthy”
Sammy winced and Andy, realising his mistake let his head drop. Claire and John went quiet each looking out of a window.
The silence stretched on until Andy reached out for the key and cut the engine.
“Worthy is a tricky thing” Sammy said solemnly.
“I fucking know” Andy replied
“How can you ascribe worth from mere observation?”
“Can’t be done” John answered his tone changing from flippant to grave “Worth is objective; by its very nature it defies simplification.” The slow nods from around the car encouraged him to continue “Although” He said hopefully “In today’s society where youth and beauty are valued beyond courage and morality, perhaps the true worth of a person is actually skin deep” John sat back and flipped open his phone and the bleeps continued.
“Does that mean we give the ticket to the fittest bird?” Andy replied eagerly.
“Yes” the two male passengers said in unison.
Followed a split second later by a firm “No” from Claire.
“Who says that a fit “Bird” has more intrinsic value than a fit man?”
Everyone thought for a moment looking for an answer that pleased them “Err maths” Sammy tentatively suggested.
Claire turned to Sammy “Maths” she smiled at him “I’m waiting to be impressed”.
“Well” he began “If you accept democratic decision making to be the fundamentally correct method by which to ascertain the direction of choice” He paused for breath “Then by a simple calculation of the votes cast by our good selves just 10 seconds ago then ipso facto and hey presto three to one, fit birds win”
“Hooray for fit birds” John said without looking away from his phone.
Claire stared at John for a moment then turned back to Sammy “An interesting thesis” She began “But it contains a couple of tiny holes if you’ll forgive me saying”
Andy held the ticket up “I’d have given you the ticket dear” He said soppily.
She patted his knee “Thank you my sweet but the adults are talking” he put the ticket back on the dash and popped a thumb into his mouth.
“Firstly Sammy,” she began “to have a democratic outcome that truly represents the will of the people surely it is imperative not to ask loaded fucking questions that guarantee answers in favour of the elite”
“Secondly” she continued ignoring his attempts to interrupt “Democracy in this country has altered throughout history. It is not as simple as one man one vote anymore. Positive discrimination now allows for minority voices such as me to have more of a say in policy making and decisions” She pointed to her chest “These are my fun bags of discrimination” Andy popped out his thumb to say a quick “Pwaugh” as Claire rolled on “These mounds of flesh have seen my sex forced into domestic and sexual servitude since the beginning of time. Only recent changes in attitude and law have allowed women to transform from being unpaid hookers and cooks into citizens with a voice of our own. We now can achieve a destiny that is not based around groping and suckling. One man one vote has rightly become one woman two votes”
There was a small round of applause and a chorus of Hear hears before the car fell silent.
“But?” Sammy said in a small apologetic voice “That still means we win three to two”
“Hooray for democracy” John called from the back.
Claire pursed her lips before saying “Fuck maths and fuck democracy” she turned to face John “It is an historical fact that democracy must be subverted if the voting public are largely made up of twats”
“Define Twats” John said without glancing away from his phone.
“You three, you are misogynistic cock pieces of the highest order and therefore have no democratic rights” She turned back to the front to compose herself.
“Fair point” Sammy quietly said “I move to strike fitness from our criteria” He smiled before adding “All those not classed as twats should now cast their vote”
Claire punched the air in victory and said “Aye”
“The Ayes have it” Sammy declared
“Go Democracy” John said jubilantly.
Andy, who had been looking from person to person during the debate was now staring at Claire in desperation “So, if I’m following this correctly according to Caitlin Moran here” He nodded to his wife “In the interests of democracy and the feminist agenda this ticket cannot be given to an attractive female”
“Can it be given to an ugly one?”
The silence returned as they wrestled with the question.
Claire surfaced first “If I may” she began tentatively “in the interests of harmony and expediency I suggest that women are excluded from the debate”
“Suits me” Said Andy “You can wait outside the car” laughter erupted from the men.
Claire allowed them to settle before she responded “I meant that women should be excluded as the recipient of the ticket, not that I should be kicked out of the car.” She looked at them one at a time before calmly adding “You Stupid cunts!”
“OH” Andy said “Sorry my love, I got entirely the wrong end of the stick there”
“Yes apologies Claire” Sammy intoned dramatically “Clarity shall be my watchword from now on”
They all turned to John, he was holding up his phone pointing the camera at Claire. He deftly pressed a button then lowered it and flipped shut the case leaving him eye to eye with Claire “This goes into my Utube section called girls are sexy when they swear”
She turned slowly to Andy who smiled weakly at her “I’ll sort it out”
He threw open his car door and ran to John’s which he was desperately attempting to lock.
Sammy and Claire both exited the car and walked around to sit on the bonnet. “So no women” Sammy recapped ignoring the violent melee behind him.
“No” said Claire who was watching the struggle with a critical eye “Anyone else we should discount before they get back?”
Sammy squinted into the distance before saying “I’m not sure we should give it to a black man” he said calmly.
“Interesting” Claire said “Do explain”
“I can see how that could be construed by some as racist”
“You are possibly correct” Claire agreed.
“But conversely” Sammy continued “Look at it from a black mans point of view” Sammy took a deep breath before continuing “We have already ruled out giving the ticket to a woman on the grounds that the four of us would argue about the legitimacy of our choice for many hours”
“Indeed” Claire said “Whilst it is not an ideal solution our companions immaturity has somewhat forced our hand”
Sammy glanced backwards at the on going scuffle “Accepted, and therein lies my point. If we can’t agree between ourselves that 52% of the population is worthy to receive the ticket then how can we in good conscience label Black males as a bland enough to be considered?”
Claire looked interested “Are you saying- and please correct me if I’m wrong- Are you saying that if we give the ticket to a black male then he would be hypothetically offended because we would have effectively labelled him as less contentious than a women”
“Precisely” Sammy clapped his hands “We would be nullifying any and all controversy that we as a people have managed to cultivate throughout our long and glorious history” Sammy’s face was animated “Malcolm X, Mohammed Ali, Dave Benson Phillips, those dicks from Woolwich, Obama, Chris Eubank, Tiger woods, three quarters of the Premier league, Lemar, Robert Mugabe, Jesus, Bloody Michael Jackson, All the rest of the Jacksons, Token, Will Smith, Huggie Bear, Shaft, Othello, Jesse Owens, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, Lenny Henry, Ainsley Harriot” He paused for breath then sagged. “How can anyone say that Mike Fucking Tyson is less interesting than women?”
“Whilst I would enjoy a debate with you where I point out the blindingly obvious fact that your statement is ignoring the huge impact the female sex has had on history and how it massively outweighs anything your lot has achieved I think I will instead just say” She smiled “You forgot one”
Sammy smiled in return before saying “As I am curious who you think I have overlooked I shall graciously ignore the fact that saying “You forgot one” Is both the most ignorant and the most racist statement I have ever heard, on the grounds that you believe my list of “Black men of interest” is only lacking one name thereby condemning all others to obscurity. I ask with genuine interest whom have I forgotten?”
Sammy froze then shouted “Shit!” “How did I forget Mandela?”
“Don’t worry Sammy” Claire said placatingly “At least you remembered Dave Benson Phillips”
Andy and John having finished their fight had joined the others at the front of the car.
“Me 1 Technology 0” Andy declared triumphantly.
“You wait till I get a killer robot” John muttered stroking his phone “Shut up the pair of you” Sammy ordered “We still haven’t made a decision about the bloody ticket yet”
“We are not giving it to women or the Blacks” Claire informed them.
Sammy looked at her curiously then said “I’m in favour of ruling out all ethnics on the grounds of racial fairness”
“And the gays” John added “They’d probably stick it up their cock or something”
Andy hit him on the back of his head “You do remember that you sup from the furry cup?”
“That’s Lesbians” John retorted “I am a proud shit driller”
He beamed at the world “I would put the ticket up my cock, so my people are disqualified”
They all turned to search the car park for a legitimate recipient.
“Bingo Claire declared “I have found our pigeon” She strode off clutching the ticket. The others got back into the car.